“Am I having a heart attack?”
That’s what I thought after the first time I ever did a full Radical Undoing session.
I must be having a heart attack. I never knew it could feel like this. I never knew it was possible to feel this much life coursing through my body!
That’s what kept running through my head in that cold room in Buffalo, Wyoming 90 minutes after deciding to do a simple “meditation experiment” I’d been meaning to try.
Holy goddamn fuckin shit, was that an experiment! More like an adventure! I forced my small, hardback Moleskine journal open with one fist, and wrote with a pen jammed into the clasped fingers of my other hand.
Buzzing and tingling radiated throughout every inch of my skin and body. I literally thought I could be dying, I was so unfamiliar with that much intense aliveness.
I was at my partner’s parents’ house for Christmas vacation, and the dinner bell rang in the middle of the most intense experience of my life.
I stumbled up the steps, determined to explain all the secrets of the universe to her happily gathered family.
“I just did this crazy meditation experiment from this book and you’ve gotta try it, it’s like some kind of….” (I had no idea what to call it, so “meditation” had to suffice.)
Right then I learned a very important lesson: don’t put on a punk rock show for a crowd waiting to hear Kenny G. No matter how well you play it, the audience ain’t right.
So I turned off the amps and unplugged for some turkey, potatoes, gravy, and a bottle of beer–which was the best bottle of beer I’ve ever tasted. Come to think of it, that was the first dinner I’d ever had in my new body.
What the hell does that mean, you ask?
Up until that experiment, I never realized I had a body before. I knew that my knees and elbows got scraped, I’d scratched a thousand itches, warmed my hands and feet on raging campfires, and experienced myriad joys of the flesh…and yet, I never fully realized the body in which I experienced all these things.
It might sound ridiculous to think of not having a body one day, and then waking up to the fact that you have one the next day, but that’s exactly what it felt like. Up until that first Undoing session, my body existedmainly as a composite of ideas in my mind.
Before that session, most of my life was like that: ideas in my head. Suddenly, the textures of everything opened up before my newly awakened senses. The weather, my house, the falling snowflakes, a light breeze across the backs of my hands, tingling in my fingers, and a deep warmth were all the first, last, and best possible experiences anyone had ever had, and I knew it, and felt it for myself.
Nothing could get between me and my body ever again. With that new awareness and union, everything else made exquisite sense.
Turns out all that stuff I used to think of as me was just a conglomeration of ideas, like rounded stones and sediment collected in a dry riverbed.
I used to think I was one of those stones.
But, after that first session–and the waves and ripples that rushed through every part of my life–I felt more like the solar system in which suns, planets, rivers and rocks take place.
Maybe that’s a little obscure, so let me bring it back home again. No ideas can ever fully encompass you. In that light, none of your ideas about yourself are accurate. They’re just a collection of observations about the past…about things you remember doing…about things you regret doing and not doing…and a whole lot of ungrounded opinions.
You don’t need your ideas of yourself. What you really want is to feel good, to wake up in the morning excited, curious, and grateful about the day opening before you. And you want to fall asleep feeling good at night, letting go of the day you just had.
The one trick I know to feeling good most (if not all) of the time is to get out of the vicious jungle of your mind and dive deep into your body–especially your breathing.
That’s what radical undoing–and all the Command Z courses, NGF workshops, and adventures are here to help you do: bring you back to yourself, minus the guilt, shame, and belief that there’s something wrong with you as you are.
Because there’s nothing wrong.
When you’re ready to experience this for yourself, get in touch and we’ll figure out which Command Z adventure is right for your situation.
PS: still time to reclaim your mind for more than half off. For those of you who know intuitively that facing mortality can exponentially enhance the quality and appreciation of your time here, get this one too.